Why I'll Never Marry

Here's a long, somewhat comical, somewhat serious list of things I've never met a guy who could understand :

• That bride image up there irks me. I've heard girls plan their wedding from about age eight - I never even thought about it, not once, no images of doves and flowers and dressing my friends up like bad disco queens. When people would ask, I used to tell them I was going to be married by an Elvis impersonator in Vegas, but that started to sound cliché, so I switched to being married by a mime in Paris. The mime aspect makes them cringe.

• I don't like roses. I almost hate them because I'm supposed to like them. Why not find out what kind of flowers I like, rather than giving me a generic dozen roses?

• I don't eat ice cream when I've had a hard day. If I've had a really rough day I'll play a first-person shooter.

• I don't even like ice cream. I don't like chocolate either.

• Star Wars is just Shakespeare in space.

• Star Trek is existentialism meets the future.

• It's a guy's obligation in public to a) hold a door open, b) pick up something I've dropped, c) walk me to my car.

• I don't expect anyone to read my mind. I don't ask baited questions. I'm often misunderstood because some guy's trying to find the bait in a simple question.

• For example: I never ask someone if an outfit makes my butt look fat ...sheesh, get a mirror already.

• I like people who can admit they don't know something far better than those who pretend they do. However, if I ask someone their opinion they should have one. Nothing worse than the poor sots who continually say "Um ...I don't know". Well maybe those who say "Whatever, it doesn't matter to me".

• I'm not having children. It's not a phase I'll grow out of. I won't meet the right man and change my mind, and it's not because I'm selfish. People only have children for selfish reasons.

• I have/will never ask someone if they love me. If I can't tell by their actions, all the words in the world won't make up the difference.

• Doesn't matter if you're seeing someone or married, both of you should still keep your friends. They're your friends for a reason.

• I think 'cleaning up well' is more important than being a fashion plate every day of your life. Translation for male readers : I will wear khakis and a henley for weeks on end (not the same ones mind you), but if I'm going to the theatre, I'll look like I've never worn a pair of khakis in my life.

• I love theatre. Musicals are for sissies. Opera is wonderful, but I don't drag along people who can't stand it. Why waste my evening?

• Chuck Taylor's are slightly better than black pumps - at least today.

• PC stands for personal computer.

• I don't like being left at a party to talk to the 'women folk'. There's only so much babbling on about nails and babies I can take before my head explodes.

• People who are insecure and have a grudge against society use the 'f' word.

• I don't want to know about a guy's past - spare me.

• I don't understand people who like to get up early, those who kayak, mountain bike regularly, play volleyball seriously, tan religiously, watch wrestling, enjoy NASCAR, or don't eat meat because animals have faces. I honestly hope I never do.

• I appreciate it when someone reads at least the first book I recommend to them. Then, if I'm off the mark, they can let me know and I won't recommend something else, but dammit just read the first one.

• I like to read. Everything from Theoretical Physics to Dostoevsky.

• The Stooges, heck Moe, Larry, Curly and Iggy Pop rule.

• I have/will never read a romance novel, anything Oprah recommends, a self-help book, or practically any book with all female characters.

• I find the majority of women both shallow and inane. Sometimes I wonder if they really do have opinions and thoughts and they have some secret society that passed out flyers telling them to act insecure and unintelligent when I'm around.

• If I can, I like to fix my own car. It's my car, I'd prefer to do the work myself. My brother-in-law helped me with a pushrod replacement and it took him awhile to realize he was just there as an instructor - my hands were getting dirty, not his.

• My pushrods were so bent I asked a friend to scan them and made a webpage with them because they made me laugh.

• I can prattle on like a kid about anything from a cool bug I watched, to a photo I saw, to a colour the sky was that day, and when the person I'm talking to can't understand my excitement, I crush like a child as well.

• I don't like being interrupted while I'm writing. Train of thought meets derailment.

• My favorite movie is Heart of Darkness, my second favorite is Fifth Element. I don't watch chick flicks and I don't watch frat boy movies, but my preference isn't towards serious movies or science fiction.

• There's always a logical solution, even if you don't like it.

• People who do too much of one thing - be it getting into sports, computers, fixing their car, worrying about their clothes, having to go out to clubs every night - are simply trying to escape from something. There are all kinds of 'drugs' out there. I don't need them.

• The Partridge Family's music is great, so is Leonard Cohen, Ozzy Osbourne, The Ink Spots, John Lee Hooker, and a lot of different music. James Taylor puts rocks to sleep.
  Anyone who listens to only one type of music may as well be made of cardboard.

• I have crazy theories, some I believe whole-heartedly, some I just like to play around with.
  You decide.

• If I say I want to be alone, I mean 'I want to be alone'. It's not a test or a game. It's way too much trouble for me to come up with tests or games. The secret society of women never gave me the handbook, and I haven't had the time to learn on my own.

• There's never a good enough reason to lie to me - never.
  There can be a good reason for not wanting to tell me something. Just explain that.

• I can't make a guy feel needed. Wanted, yes - needed, no. Personally, I'd rather be wanted than needed - need fades faster, and can't be rekindled (unless you count that smashing-the-ankles scene in Misery).

• I can't support a co-dependent person. I lost my last boyfriend, because I wouldn't tell him what to do, what to wear, who his 'real' friends were, what his ambitions were... I had to set him loose. I have enough trouble figuring out that stuff for myself.

• I don't hate football - sometimes I watch it, sometimes I don't. I'm not fond of basketball or baseball, but I'd go to a baseball game.

• I can't pretend I don't know, or can't do something just to make a guy feel better. The first, girls do to flatter a guy; the second, out of laziness.

• Locker room jokes are called that for a reason.

• If my best friend ever gets the adult size Big Wheel or Green Machine built, I get to ride second.

Girls : Where's my secret handbook? Haven't I suffered long enough? I can never figure out what most of you are talking about.

Guys : Don't judge other women by anything I've written here.