They started with an observation,
and grew into a short story, with varied authors.
== Trees ==
something is wrong with the trees this year. they are way too big. has anyone noticed? they seem to be taking over the yards and 'branching out' into the streets. could be just my imagination. they were naked for so long this winter they may just seem fluffier, but then again it could be the Attack of the Fluffy Trees....i read about this once. they just kept growing and growing and people didn't notice really. you know, that pretty green colour, their happy demeanor. they just slowly took over. then we all grew roots and planted ourselves.
== Trees ==
== Trees ==
MS> see, i don't know about the wear and tear on the mower. my family is a tribe of grazers. sure,
MS> the neighbors look at us funny, and damned if my mom doesn't chew the stuff down to a nub,
MS> but overall i think the lawn looks fine.
MS> the trees however, wait, one is watching me, i will get back to you later....
the trees know, but they're not telling.....just listen....you'll know,
== The Testimony of an Ex-Tree Gnome ==
(Forwarded by Seals)
This was slipped under my office door late one night during one of those
creepy electrical storms where the trees keep tapping at your windows
like they're trying to peek in. Seems pretty relevant to the
conversation, so I included it here. Make of it what you will.
Yeah, I'm an ex-Tree Gnome. What of it? I'm trying to come clean, and
doing a damn good job, if I do say so. They've got me in Witness
Relocation now. A place far, far from trees. I'm gonna do my best to
bring down the whole racket. Because I've seen the light, I know what
tree gnomes do. How they think. What they're capable of.
== Vines ==
i think the vines are our allies! they will strangle the power-hungry trees. but, their efforts will take time. with the help of the renegade lawn gnomes we may be able to do something before the whole of the earth becomes a huge forrest. as the gnome said in his letter, we must use more paper, lots more. did you know computers were invented by trees? it is there way of trying to get us to stop using paper. abandon you keyboards and RUN! RIGHT NOW! FOR PEN AND PAPER!!!
something must be done.....
== Kudzo Theory ==
Speaking of doing your part, I just found this news item, hot off the presses, and I thought some of you would be interested.
It seems that the very Tree Gnome whose letter I recently published in here has completed his manifesto, and through an intermediary, is seeing to its publication by Fireside Books ($24.95 at bookstores everywhere; a small price to pay for saving mankind). His words take up a mere 75 swift, shocking pages, but his manifesto is roughly 90,000 pages long--you can see that this is a fella with determination. His manifesto concerns itself primarily with revealing some startling conspiracies that have taken place among the arbor world---for example, it is revealed that environmentalists and horticulturists are in actuality double agents employed by the trees to do their dirty work (this portion of the Tree Gnome's text also discusses at great length the "Kudzu Theory," a fascinatingly elaborate detail of how several prominent naturalists together planted in the minds of every American how bad it is to plant kudzu, when truthfully, as stated earlier here, kudzu is a highly effective weapon against the trees, smothering them and essentially stunting their growth. Amazingly, Henry David Thoreau is mentioned as one of the instigators of this Kudzu Konspiracy; Oliver Stone is supposedly interested in the film rights). The insidious truth about Christmas trees and their real existence as highly decorated Tree Government spies is also revealed; so, young Santa Claus believers should probably steer clear.
All in all, it's an intriguing, enlightening text, bound to become one of the more infamous pieces of literature of our time. Pick up a copy today. And while you're at the bookstore, pick up a few other books as well. As many as you can....
== Kudzo Theory ==
MS>TM>Sing: There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees.
MS>TM> The maples want more sunlight and the oaks ignore their pleas.
MS>TM>Oops, sorry, I forgot! I promised no more singing, didn't I Minor Sage...
MS> singing is good for plants, are you with us or against us? :)
THE TREES ARE MIGHTY THE TREES ARE GREAT THE TREES ARE OUR FRIENDS THE TREES GIVE US LIFE WE SHOULD ALL WORSHIP THEM HELP THE TREES LOVE THE TREES KILL KUDZU KILL KUDZU KILL KUDZU THE TR
Wow, what the hell was that? Oh, no, my window is broken, there is a branch reaching for me, help me quick! It's almost got
== Manifesto ==
(Created with an unregistered branch of POETREE GENERATOR)
== GNOME UPDATE: Tragic turn of events ==
UPS--A horrible scene took place early this afternoon in Dallas, Texas, as shots rang out at approximately 1:33 pm. Rasputin the Gnome, the heretofore nameless turncoat Tree Gnome whose recently published alarmist manifesto "Trees Want Us Dead," remains atop the nonfiction best seller list, was assassinated while in transit from Dallas to a new, more secluded location in the Alaskan Tundra. According to eyewitnesses, as Rasputin was being led by a cadre of heavily armed FBI agents from his Dallas underground location, he was shot twice, apparently BY a grassy knoll, and fell dead to the pavement, his last words being the shouted proclamation "Say no to recycling!" Rasputin was alledgedly shot once by the knoll in the pointy beard, and secondly on the pointy hat. The knoll then escaped into the nearby forest.
According to FBI reports, theories of a betrayal by high-level agent Ralph Crabtree, a noted environmentalist who was in fact assigned to Rasputin's watch, are not out of the question; Crabtree dropped out of sight immediately after Rasputin's assassination, and the FBI has instantly instigated a search as to his whereabouts.
Although the country remains in turmoil, word from the President on down has stated that "the best thing people can do is remain calm, know that Rasputin's killers will be brought to justice, and heed the advice printed in his manifesto. Do not lose hope. We have not yet begun to fight." While FBI agents frantically search for both Agent Crabtree and the grassy knoll that pulled the trigger, Rasputin will be buried, in accordance with his last will and testament, in an area far from trees:
a cave in the Arizona desert.
== GNOME UPDATE: Grassy knoll meets "justice"... ==
UPI--In Dallas this morning, mere hours after a press release stated that the Grassy Knoll who twice shot and assassinated former Tree Gnome turned anti-tree activist Rasputin was apprehended in a tense all-night standoff, the Knoll itself met its demise, the result of a brutal sneak attack by renegade FBI agent Earl Crabtree.
Acting on an "anonymous tip," FBI agents closed in on the Grassy Knoll late last night, surrounding its hiding place in a logger's camp. After a nine-hour standoff, Federal agents torched the camp and rousted out the Knoll, promptly arresting it and charging it with the murder of Rasputin, the author of the anti-tree manifesto "Trees Want Us Dead." At 10:41 this morning, four hours after announcing via international press release that the Knoll had been caught and had admitted to Rasputin's murder, the Knoll was attacked and killed while it was in transit to its cell in Alcatrees.
According to authorities, heavily armed guards and utter secrecy could not stop the attack. Earl Crabtree, a renegade FBI agent who was in charge of Rasputin's safety and who had been missing since his death, leapt from a corner of the parking garage and executed the Grassy Knoll, brutally and swiftly, with a lawnmower. Police then apprehended Crabtree, who himself had been a suspect in Rasputin's murder, and placed him in a cell at Alcatrees, where he remains, on suicide watch.
In a story related to Crabtree's lawnmower murder of the Grassy Knoll, Rasputin the Gnome was laid to rest today, during a small private ceremony in an undisclosed Arizona desert. Only family and close gnome friends attended, and after the service, Rasputin was sealed away in a desert cave, its entry blocked by a huge stone....
== GNOME UPDATE: Stone rolled away.... ==
== Church of Rasputin ==
Here ye, Here ye!
Welcome to the Church of Rasputin (genuflect here). Light a candle to
our risen leader in the battle against the foliage. Hear his
enlightening message of hope. We shall win the battle.
We will win, the trees will fall,
== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==
We are now opening the 'Tree Files'
Theory being as such...
Trees are aliens, they arrived here before us and
planted themselves firmly by their roots into the
soil....their primary form of communication is thru
their roots...secondary form being, thru the wind,
in 'whispers' and 'waves'.
== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==
Now that the T Files have been opened, I can speak freely and without guilt. Trees are indeed our enemies--they operate in ways that we do not understand. According to Rasputin, heroic renegade tree gnome (his manifesto, "Trees Want Us Dead", is now available in bookstores for $24.95), trees intend to take over the free world as we know it on the doomsday of Arbor Day, 2010. Their motives and "ultimate solution," as Agent MJ stated, remain vague and mysterious, but the next time an errant branch taps on your windowsill at night, be aware of what these creatures are capable of. And be prepared to fight back.
== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==
i have read Agent MJ's report. we are all familiar with her belief
that there is life beyond what we know on this planet, but i think
you should consider removing her from this case.
== OPENING "The 'T' Files" ==
I've lately begun to notice some mild dissension in our ranks, and
have decided to address it. Rasputianity, be it cult, sect,
denomination, or simple channel for those aware of the evil of trees, is
a valuable institution, both among those of this planet who are unaware
of the evils under their noses, and as an aide to our ongoing research
and work. It appears to me that Agent MS is picking a bone, rather
loudly, with this church, and thereby also questioning one of our most
beneficial weapons. Being a deacon of the Church of Rasputin, I will
take it upon myself to attempt to clear up this alarming discrepancy. I
have already begun my attempt to convert Agent MS and re-convert Agent
DK; I have mailed them both programs from the Church of Rasputin and
have requested that I speak with each of them privately to address any
problems they might have with the church. However, I instinctively
suspect something deeper and more sinister under the surface of this
== T - file 5/26/96 * Top Secret * ==
As you can see from Agent S's report, he believes strongly in The
Church of Rasputin. As per our arrangement, I will allow him to believe
I have been convinced of the "Church's mission". I have already spoken
to Agent MJ and believe I have convinced her I have reconsidered my
== T Files--Update 5/27 ==
As you know, yesterday was Sunday and thus the day of worship for Rasputin. Both Agents MS and DK were in attendance at the Church of Rasputin, I am happy to report. I have spoken privately with Agent DK, and judging from his attitude and behavior, he appears to be a threat no longer. Agent MS, however, I remain somewhat suspicious about, however, from the evidence I gathered yesterday in church, she seemed resonably pleased with the service. I encourage you again, sir, to keep an eye on her. Meanwhile, Agent MJ and I will continue our straight field work and research. My own duties at the Church of Rasputin continues. Things appear to be going fairly smoothly. Agent S out.
PS--Sincere apologies for not checking in yesterday...I had some pressing but minor church duties to attend to. Nothing major, nothing worth discussing, I assure you.
== Sunday's service ==
I attended Sunday's Church of Rasputin services with Agents S and
MS. Could not locate Agent DK in the attendance, but the Church was very
crowded. Having gone over the Church records and literature, I believe
their mission to be a true one.
One of the Brothers of the Church is going to allow me to see the Document of Rasputin. Perhaps, we will find our answers there.
== Sunday's service ==
Brief request. If you would, can I trouble you to kindly request that Agent MJ allow me to take a look at the Document of Rasputin should she gain access to it? I believe it would greatly benefit my research.
== Brother Ralmal ==
Brother Ralmal was most informative. I have been going over The
Churches papers and records in the main rectory. Some of the
information seems very trustworthy. The investigations The Church
itself have done lead one to believe there may be some truth in their
beliefs. Brother Ralmal has assured me I can see the Doctrine of
Rasputin within the next few days.
== The Unseen Scroll Text of Rasputin ==
I have handed over the Doctrine of Rasputin to Agent S.
It needs to be looked over a.s.a.p. I have been decipher-
ing the Unseen Scroll...and have come to the conclusion
that this will take more time than I had expected. I am
sure Agent S will give a full and complete report.
== Report on Doctrine of Rasputin ==
I have read the complete Doctrine of Rasputin. I turned it back over
to Brother Ralmal, he seemed to need it urgently. Have not had much
sleep, but wanted to let you know what I thought. I believe there may be
some true to The Churches position. I believe they are right. I fear
this belief may put me in danger. The enemy Trees must know that I know.
The document told me what course of action is best to avoid the Trees
detection. I am going out to get the material now. I have been listening
to some tapes The Brothers of The Church sent over. They are very
inspiring. I will turn them over once I have made copies for myself. I
think you will enjoy them. Very soothing.
== T Files: Recent Events ==
I am aware of the fact that several field agents have questioned my
whereabouts over the weekend, and some have even been so bold as to
question my allegiance to you, my fellow lead agents, and our entire
cause, but rest assured you have nothing to worry about. My loyalty
remains now and always clear. I shall deal with the doubting field
agents myself, and on my own time...
== Trees ==
I....I think I was followed today. I have noticed the trees outside
my office seem closer than they were yesterday. The other agents have
not contacted me in awhile. I....I don't know if they are still to be
trusted. Have you listened to the tapes I sent you? I must put one in
now. They are very calming I have noticed. The Church has asked me to
come to a special meeting later this evening.
M-DXC6/ZT0U&K1^-_7B1@G;)B'7@WVSLU1B8F4&S9ZC9N.:8;(H0=KT,S7&+` M*9[QKOQ!'R$49*^W..9)O:#_LQZ6660T)(3`HKTW^3I:J>K#\#?BGDG,MO)_ M>O6-O\C+];$5RMT
== Field Tree Report: From the Front Lines ==
Reporting from the front lines. Everything going well, as I stated
earlier. Believe that we will have our hands on the Doctrine of Rasputin
again by the week. Agent DK is my head field operative; he is doing his
duties well. Other field agents also working effectively.
== ****EXCLUSIVE: URGENT**** ==
TOP SECRET INFORMATION
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
What follows is a tape recording of a radio transmission made by Agent DK mere hours ago. Its contents are shocking, read with caution, and remember to exercise Destructive Device afterwards:
"I don't know...he's gone nutso, or something....Dear God, there went Agent LS! Check for signs of life, Grady! Check for signs of--is this on? Sir, this is Agent DK reporting! Red alert! Red alert! Requesting mission abortion! I'm on the field, somewhere in...where are we? It's gotta be northern Nebraska somewhere, the plains...searching for Rasputin's document. Agent S has gone native, sir! Repeat, Agent S has gone native! He's with the trees! And he's leading a massacre! 12 agents down sir, 10 confirmed dead! Request mission abort and immediate reinforcements! Please send help. Repeat, please send help. Again, Agent S has gone native. He's switched to the other side, he's in cahoots with the trees! This is not a hoax! Red alert! Red----"
This ends the transmission
== ****EXCLUSIVE: URGENT**** ==
Sir, upon receipt of the emergency transmission I am now concerned that Agent DK can no longer be trusted. Surely you can see that he has asked for a mission abort while at the same time requesting more agents... possible that this is plan D that we spoke of earlier in the week. I believe it is in our best interest at this time not to send in any other agents until the next contact is made and a voice analyzer used to distinguish if it is in fact a true picture from the field. Agent S has been with the bureau for many years and personally I can't believe he would have turned so quickly.
== =Side Note To Supervisor= ==
Agent S has requested a private meeting with me this evening. I will be leaving shortly. He is a true believer. I know he has doubted my faith in the past, but then I was against this project earlier. Now that I have seen The Church in the light, and have confessed my previous ill thoughts perhaps we will be able to resolve our differences. I suspect we will both file full reports with you in the morning.
== Operation Weed: Destroy T Files ==
As requested, I have done my duties. The Book of Rasputin has been
burned, and its ashes have been scattered in different directions; it
will not be found. 13 field agents of the T Files team are dead--along
with your well-directed army of assassin trees, I manage to orchestrate
the massacre, in accordance with our plans and blueprints. Agent DK is
deceased; I impaled him with a branch myself, but not before, I fear,
his radio transmission was able to at least partially go through. A hero
to the end, was he, and now his death will surely be martyred. No
matter. I fear nothing, because they suspect nothing. Agent Kbs has
further seen to that. Long live the Realm of the Forested Ones!
I have no doubts that we will succeed.
Your loyal and ever-devoted servant,
Grand Moff Krogg, alias "Agent S"
== Secret Meeting ==
As I mentioned earlier..I would have a meeting to be provided with secret information about the trees. This meeting occurred today. My informant told me of the 'circles' in the trees and their meaning. This was most intiguing. Seems these rings or 'circles' as he called them are 'information'..each ring/circle holds a certain amount of information that has been gathered, then releases it to the "Prime-Master-of-Trees", therefore causing that brown mark. See?..You look at the cross-section and can get the gist of the amount of information each tree has gathered and transported out over the years! I fear the trees already 'know' too much! I am still working on the 'secret' scrolls....over and out.
== =Prior to Meeting Report= ==
I am meeting with Agent S, I wanted to file this report first.
== Operation Weed: horrible encounter... ==
I am much too shaken to provide a full report at this time. Forgive
incoherence of this report. Something terrible has happened, something
mystical, something weirdly divine and devillish. I have started to
question my own sanity. I have started to question the purpose of this
entire mission; it appears futile and much too intricate for minds like
ours to comprehend.
Grand Moff Krogg
== =Tape found at meeting site by Agent MJ= ==
Sir.....[a strange creaking sound]....I am in the woods.... somewhere...not sure where.....[in a shout] WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?!?....[creaking sound followed by pause]....I don't know what trans..transp....transpired....Agent S....I think....I think he tried to kill me....I don't know....I hope you get this....[creaking sound]...[in a shout] NO!!!!!!.....I think ...the church..it's a fraud...the whole damn thing.....it's all a lie......[creaking noise]....get to the other agents.. ...[the voice drops at this point to almost a whisper]...I.. .I still have the chainsaw...if..if I can just get it started ....[the voice rises again] Sir...I have to do this...I hope you and the agency understand.....stop them Sir....stop them.[at this point the tape is taken over with the sound of a chainsaw starting. there are some other noises that have not been deciphered yet, some are the creaking noises that are throughout the tape, the other sounds like the felling of a tree. Agent MS was not found after a thorough search of the area where the tape was discovered. no word yet on Agent S.]
== =Bizarre Search Results= ==
I hope you have recieved the transcript of the tape
from Agent MS' recorder by now. That tape was found
near the arranged meeting site between Agent S, Agent
MS, and myself. Neither of the agents were in the area
and there seemed to have been a struggle. The tape was
found still running in the recorder 10 yards from the
meeting area by a large felled tree. There was a chain-
saw in the vicinity that was still warm, though out of
gas. Sir, the tree that was felled bothers me. There
were no rings in this tree, yet it was atleast 10 ft.
long. I have not, in all my research, come across a
tree with no rings.
== "Agent S" checking out ==
It is over...finished. I send you this transcript from a misbegotten
location in the northern Tundra, where I have been hiding as of late and
where I have reached my final decision through intense contemplation.
Grand Moff Krogg
== -==The End==- ==
The Church of Rasputin no longer exists. The building
remains, but is now covered with growth as though it
had been deserted many years ago. I have yet to hear
from any of the other operatives. Agency investigators,
under my supervision, are going over the debris on the
church site in hopes of finding any leads to its sudden