So This is Me for the Next Five Years...



"Imagine if everyone looked like their driver's license picture?"
The audience gaffaws.

It's a sure laugh. Everyone knows they will look bad on their license. It's one of the facts of life right? Tootie knew it, even Blair knew it, but I think it's a matter of attitude.
I just had my license renewed for another five years and asked the clerk in the spaceport that is now DMV, if I could keep the old one. She had an adjacent clerk pop a hole through the 'date issued' and the seal of Virginia and handed it back to me with a shrug.
(mental note: when you find the hole punch again, and go nuts punching holes in things, because it's as much fun as popping bubble wrap, lay off the new driver's license)

I had to keep the old one. It's the best picture I've ever taken. I showed it to a friend when I got it, her response, "You had it done at Glamour Shots?". She should have known that wasn't the case, because I didn't have blue eye shadow and bright red lips. I didn't look like Miss Mall of America, but I didn't look like me. I *never* looked that good.
I went in looking like I lived on a sun-less planet all my life, and came out with a license picture where I'm an angel, all tanned and glowing like Monica revealing her true intent for making a close friend of some untrusting, non-believing, miscreant.

"I'm an angel, sent to drive."
I do believe anyone can have a better license picture, something you that doesn't make you cringe when you hand it to a doorman, one that doesn't make the cashier at 7-11 giggle. Most people go to renew or replace their license with the mindset of "Damn, I have to go to DMV today.", rather than "I have to have my picture taken today.". That's why so many people look like that one kid in school who forgot it was picture day.

If you see getting a new license as a photo shoot, you might not be an angel, but you won't look like you just crawled out of bed with a hangover and headed straight to DMV, even if you have. Do your hair, and dress like an anchor person, waist up. You know Dan Rather could be wearing a suit jacket, shirt, tie, and boxers - we'd never know. Tom Brokaw can't do that anymore, he's standing up now, very bizarre. He's probably jealous of Rather. I don't recommend boxers, but you get the idea. From the waist up, really the shoulders up, is all you have to worry about.

Also, don't smile. I know it's kinda funny that some DMV's have spooky computers telling you what window to go to, yet they make you look at a troll doll, or some other comical figure for the picture, but don't let that troll work its evil magic on you. The only smile it will get out of you is a nervous "What a stupid idea, making me look at a troll doll"-smile. The troll doll wants you to look bad. The troll doll is evil. However, don't give the troll doll an knowing glare either. Imagine the evil troll doll suffering a horrible disfigurement, that should give you the right look.

I followed this simple idea when I went to get my new license. I knew it wasn't going to be as good as last time, even took me awhile after I got it to get used to the idea that this is the picture that will represent me until the year 2003 - straight through the millenium by anyones account. It's not a bad license picture, it's just more realistic.

© J.Simon


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