forlorn for myself

Posted by gustavos on September 08, 2004 at 11:08:33:

To whom it may concern,

I haven't really felt quite like myself recently. Or, i should say i don't relly know who myself is. I used to be so sure of it and not in a cocky way, but in a, "I'm absolutely sure that my knees are there even when I'm not looking at them" way. when did all my charm go. Am i witty, bright, interesting, special, or precious to this world in any way. Where did all that made me feel like a sparkle in dark skies go. when did i become a grey speckle on a grey beach. How am i nt see. why do i not stand out. Where is my voice. i'm yelling for someone to see me, and it isn't that people aren't listening. I'm just not saying anything. No sound comes from me. nothing is coming from me. the bare walls in my room used to be ironic. now they are tragically truly me. I am no longer poor. Im not troubled or alien. Im just bare. A meaningless variable. A forgotten joke that was once amusing. where have friendships gone. who are these people that acknowledge me. how did i get here. what should i say. a joke. a story. my mouth opens. i yell. i strain. i look at their faces for something. something to show me that they have heard me... more importantly, that they like me.
Nothing. Silence. alone. the room is filled and words are being exchanged but none for me. a flurry of life is happening around me. without me... and not longing for me. Love, laughter, hatred, envy, fun, memories, and fantasies of futures of all them together...without me. I should leave. they will not remember the still terrorfied figure defiantly unmoving in the frenzy of daily affairs. Hello's, goodbye's. "what was his name." "the quiet one...wasn't he a friend of your...darn... what was his name?" I've run out of words to explain how it feels. actually i just don't know how to make them fit together. i haev the words. alone. scared. crippling self revelation of insufficiency. dread. worry. self-indulgent prattering. in conclusion, i continue to tell the jokes, and make the music. but the audience is dreadfully quiet. no one is bobbing to the rhythm of my words, and no one is laughing out loud. Silence. where have they gone? do they see me? can they not hear? or ...maybe... nothing is coming out of my mouth anymore. am i the silence. am i the nothing.

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