some ramblings to help me vent

Posted by mentallymessed on July 12, 2001 at 22:32:03:

i drive myself insane. i think to much, which leads me to drink to much. i don;t cry enough for a teenage girl my age... no matter how hard i try i cant force the tears to come, which i know would bring me some sort of relief.
dont get me wrong, sometimes i'll be living in a blissful heaven, but other times i feel this huge frustration, this yearning for soemthing more, to suck MORE juices out of my life. i dont understand what is missing, but i know there is something. i want an extreme life. i want to be constantly whirling about from place to place so i dont have to think, because thinking leads me back to that frusterated feeling, of not knowing whats wrong and therefor not knowing how to change it.
i feel as though i have some sort of quest in front of me, but it frustrates me that i dont know what it is. i want to do seomthing of essance.. not just live your mediocre normal life, but i know i will. i dont know what my quest is, and my soul is hungry for some flavours i dont know where to find
life so far has been handed to me on a silver platter, you know it's your normal upper middle class teen who doesn't have to work and has no major flaws she can think of, great loving parents, etc. i should be happy since life has treated me well so far. i could be watching my children get their arms cut off in some african village with worms in my feet, but i'm not. still, i feel like i havent got enough i guess i want to milk my life for all it's worth, and it's depressing me that i;m not.. i keep saying im going to do things that i never do
someitmes i can feel completely at ease.. like when im relaxing with the sun at the right intensity so=urounded by the still beaty of nature (alright that line sounds fake).. but arrgh i dont know im signing off my brain ccant function its too late... i feel like banging my head against the wall.. i wish i could just put myself on pause for a hwile then come back and have fun.. arrrrrrrr i hate dealing with all my shit.. i think the people who are well off are the ones who ponder the point of their mundane existence and so on alot.. u know.. the people whove just been living to survive function on the mentality of being glad to be alive.. so they are in a way actually better off than the normal suburbia brats
nightngiht im out

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