You Don't Understand

Posted by Invisible Man on August 17, 2000 at 01:28:50:

Am I totally ignorant? Is everyone in as much trouble as I feel I am? Is everyone given tests as hard as these? Seriously! My countless pleas for help have not been heard. Or perhaps just not answered. Like a man surrounded by miles of ocean on all sides, swimming with his last stroke of energy, I am also drowning. You canít tell by looking at me, or even speaking with me, but Iím in that place. The water hits my face, and I can only take it for so long. Even now they surround me, wanting to take my life. I swear I hear them, they are in the same room as me, but my bigger fear is that I will believe in HIM once again, because I already conquered that mountain. Do you understand? I beg for help. My tests are too difficult. Or maybe Iím too weak. If a strong man lifts a large amount, and a small man lifts a small amount, the strain they endure can be equal, despite the difference in weight. I am that small man, and although my tests may not seem like much, Iím lifting as much as the strongest man, and my muscles will soon burst. Do you understand? I am the worm that you step on. I am him. Do you see him? Wiggling around after the rain, wondering how he got so far from the safety of the soil. Your shadow hovering over him. I am that worm. Will my pursuers catch me or will I slither my way back home? It looks hopeless right now, and I really donít know if I can. Do you understand? I am Judas Iscariot and Doubting Thomas. Iím the one you thank God you are not. I am the one you push around to make yourself feel better. I am the one you turn your back on! Do you understand? Have you ever seen someone and wondered how it is that they live with themselves. You see them and you remark to yourself that youíre glad you are not them. You know in your head everyone thinks the same about them as you do. Then the realization sinks in that you are that very same person. Perhaps not physically, but all the while you looked at them, people behind you looked at you. Iím looking behind me, and the crowd still points. Do you understand? Is it my fault? Probably. God? I have let Him down more times than He has forgiven me. Will God also give up on me? The chances He gave me. The words He spoke to me. The signs He showed me. I have spit on them all. On purpose? No. Does it matter? I donít know, but my pain is all too real! And still you donít understand! Why? Because you are not me. And for that you thank your lucky stars.

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