why me?

Posted by invisible man on January 21, 2000 at 01:57:45:

Is it that I dont know my mission? but I do. What is it then? That I can't have Carrie? yes, but that's not it. you were around, long before Carrie, and undoubtably be around, long hereafter. Why me? Is it still a test from God? I no longer know. At first, it was not from God, but instead, from HIM. Why can't I be left alone? I am the weakest man alive, and I will accept no contenders, because I win unanimously. There is none weaker than me, because this is my test. The tears I have shed have been in vain; nothing get's better, only worse. Still, you continue to be there tormenting me day after day. I no longer wait for happiness to come and stay, only to visit briefly from time to time. It is the only way not to be let down, and inevitably, I always am. Will you ever leave? probably not until death comes to take me. Will I get to see heaven? If not, then you trully have won. I have the knowledge of many men, but the weakness of more. This trully is a testament of my lack of faith. If only I could cease to exist. I dont wan't to see heaven, not like this. I have no excuse for my deeds. I knew all along, but still, I couldn't do the work. All because of you. why don't you just leave me at once!
I sometimes wonder if you are a leftover from the prior days where I was deceived by HIM, into believing falsehoods, including the curse, which to this day I don't know if was true or not. I've only told one person about that curse, and they took me for a crazy man. They were not largely mistaken. How can I explain all of this? It is larger than words can express, and much larger than is visible to the naked eye. That's why I am the invisible man. The world does not see me. They see an imaginary character they have invented, with series of events, appearances, and generalizations. They do not see me, but instead, a man the have conjured up. My whole life I have been fitting their mold, and i'm sick of it. If I were to sit them down and explain who I am, they would sympathize, and then turn their backs on me. It has been proven I can't trust any of them. Jesus, I'm sorry! please Lord erase that terrible day. Make it so that I was never born. I can't do it anymore. I should have died long ago. I still remember that day when I thought to end it, but God would not let me, disguised as something else, He stopped it from happening. And now here I sit, living to please everyone but me, the man in the valley, who is unable to crack the code to get out. it's only been a few seconds, yes, but to me it is my whole life. They cheated me. I can't see heaven, because I dont deserve it. I can't see hell, because I couldn't stand it. So here I am, and you are still here, behind my back, everywhere I go. Nobody understands me, and nobody ever will. I will continue to walk in secret, failing to unvail the curse, my weakness, as well as you, who refuse to leave. Maybe things will turn around for me, and I will no longer have you to oppress me, and my day will come. A dream? Yes. But it's my dream. Until then, I will continue to be, the Invisible man.

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